Bloomberg’s Ass, Nosy Neighbors and More Nonsense

I’m not sure if it’s because women are wearing less clothes and have great summer sunglows or because men have their guns out and want extra attention, but something about the summer really made the overcommentarians crawl out of the woodwork.

At least these comments are SO bad that they’re funny.

1. “Your ass is as big as Bloomberg’s”
A friend and I are strutting along in Chelsea when a passerby says, “Dayum, your ass is as big as Bloomberg’s!”

We look at each other in confusion — not only because we have no clue just how big a Bloomberg ass is, but because we BOTH have big asses and aren’t sure to which of us he’s speaking. I contend that since we’re in Chelsea on our way back from Park, the man had to be referring to my friend’s ass. My friend insists the man looked straight, plus, we were next to the projects, so clearly he was talking about thine ass.

I reluctantly agree that the man was probably referring to me. And I still have no idea how big Bloomberg’s ass is.

2. “And Tina just continued to party on!”
A pipe burst in my condo building one night (I’m on the condo board). Multiple people were handling the situation, including two other board members, the super AND the fire department.

Yet this wasn’t enough for my freakshow of a neighbor who requires so much attention that her husband deserves sainthood. Apparently, I, as Board president, was expected to be on the scene as well (will a nail file be helpful?)

She sends an email to the ENTIRE building complaining that I was “partying” while all this went down — and reported the time I returned from said party. OMG, she had to call the fire department herself! She could have died!

Forget Mrs. Roper or Mrs. Kravitz, those nosy neighbors have nothing on this bitch.

3. “Awww! you’re on your honeymoon!” 

My huzzband, apparently.

A street vendor shouted this to my friend and I in Cancun. When we say no, he says, “Just practicing then?”

Dude, you have absolutely no read on body language. We are not coupled up or touching and my companion has on pink “show pony” shorts.

 4. “Women are reading those 50 Shades of Grey books and fantasizing about it, but when faced with the real thing, they don’t know what to do.”

I assume you think you’re the real  thing. Is that why you posted a photo of yourself posed with your car? And another with your refrigerator? That alone should be enough to disqualify you, but you are also not hot, young or rich. You are no Christian Grey, my friend.

5. “Can I borrow your salt?”
I’m in SoHo having breakfast outside after a workout (I was a mess but thankfully in a Lululemon outfit). Guy walks by and we make the briefest eye contact. Moments later, he walks by again. Finally, the third time, he approaches and says “Can I borrow your salt?”

I oblige with a smile, trying not to laugh, wondering what he’d say next. He follows up with a huge sigh and, “That was so lame, I’m embarrassed.”

Dude, if you’re gonna go in, at least TRY to close.

6. “Do you like seamen?”
Fleet week. This one kicked off a night of the worse pick-up lines. Ever. I know they’ve been on a boat for months, but that should give them plenty of time to come up with ways to avoid lameness.

This ranks up there with the demand for me to “Smile.” Or calling me “Princess. Or asking “Can I have your number.” And just as bad as summoning me with a “Spp.” Ask any woman alive and guarantee she’s doesn’t want to hear it.

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When the Terror Is Tiny

Matilda v Cupcake

My dog is out of control.

Each day I leave, she gets a Kong filled with frozen treats. This keeps her busy while I make my escape. Recently, she got her Kong stuck under the couch and as soon as I arrived home, she was at the couch in downward dog, barking for me to retrieve it.

I got down on hands and knees to take a look, but clearly not fast enough as within moments I had a paw pummeling my face and head. She jumped on me with considerable force considering her eight pound frame.

This abuse generally continues as we attempt to live together peacefully.

If I take her out for a walk and start chatting with someone, she barks because she thinks they should be talking to her.

If someone hugs me, she barks and pushes them.

She goes through my purse and has been rewarded with gum, candy and a delicious lemon cupcake that she located and deboxed within the two minutes it took for me to use the bathroom.

She pulls brand new clothes out of shopping bags, freeshly cleaned clothes out of the laundry basket. And once when I was getting ready for a date, she peed on the outfit I’d layed out.

One Sunday, she starting nipping my ankles as soon as I walked in. Granted, I’d slept away from home all weekend. But still. Who is she to discipline me?

One weekend, she met her match — Matilda, a German wirehaired pointer.

We were visiting friends upstate and Cupcake did her normal diva routine — jumping up so that her public can stroke and adore her. Well she jumped on Matilda’s dad and Matilda wasn’t having it and started growling. Cupcake growled back and it was on. Matilda promptly snapped at Cupcake, scaring her her so bad that she yelped and quickly skittled across the room, begging to be picked up.

For the rest of the night, Cupcake was glued to me and squeezed her way into the chair right beside, putting on her best angel routine.

Matilda made the rounds, intently glancing at Cupcake throughout the evening, daring her to get out of line again.

Clearly, Cupcake has met her match. Next time she acts up at home, I’m calling Matilda.

Paris vs. Milan — The Report

Here’s the long delayed report on my April vacation to Paris and Milan. This time, instead of writing about what I did and saw, I decided to assess each city in a gamut of random, yet meaningful categories. Folks, you’ll never find observations like this in a travel book. Check out the winners!

OBSERVATION WINNER I’M JUST SAYIN’
PARIS MILAN
1. Most bonafide gingers None at all spotted in Paris
2. Most men you want to look at Tie – Parisian men win the fashion, but Italian men are really handsome. A hybrid would be perfect.
3. Most women you want to look at   Hands down, Frenchies win this. The Italian women are atractive too, but their attire negates that.
4. People spotted wearing fur even though it’s Spring A surprisingly tied category
5. Tightest clothes Damn, signoras!
6. Most plastic surgery Donatella would be so proud
7. Most blondes
10. Most people wearing all black
11. Best lingerie Paris (however, see below)
12. Most clothing designers who actually realize that women have breasts
13. Best shoes French, you don’t have to leave the US to know that
14. Best sunglasses Enormous and always on, even on a cloudy day
15. Weirdest eyebrows Tie – In Milan, they draw them in quite dramatically. In Paris, their eyebrows don’t match their hair. Quell horror!
16. Best makeup Can you say cat eye magnifique?
17. Best smelling… people
18. Best smelling…shops
19. Least rude I was done with the Italians within an hour. New Yorkers and Parisians don’t even rank as rude in comparison
20. Quickest switch to English when noticing my slow processing of information
21. Most romantic
22. Best cocktails Milan didn’t even bother with cocktails, usually only offering a wine list
23. Best tap water Always on the table in Paris. Milanese looked totally offended just by the request for non-bottled water.
24. Tastiest tomatoes
25. Best french fries Only Amsterdam is better
26. Best overall food I walked down the street eating bread in Paris and pretty much starved in Milan
27. Best sweets Neither. Both need to learn how to use SUGAR
28. Most addictive snacks Total tie. In Paris, it was crossaints. Milan, lemon gelato.
29. Best public transportation Paris was quick, clean, no complaints. Milan – confusing as fuck.
30. Best cars Milan, you fancy, huh?
31. Fastest drivers
32. Most honking They might be worse than NYC cab drivers
33. Where you’re most likely to get run over by a motorcycle They’ll jump a curve in a minute
34. Most places to easily trip and fall
35. Most iPhones Tie. It is seriously outta control. Apple rules the world.
36. Most Beats by Dre headphones Yes, those enormous ones
37. Best music In Paris, I felt like dancing everywhere. Milan had the sound of cymbals in their music– or opera, God forbid
38. Most Angry Bird fans
39. Most public drunkenness
40. Easiest access to birth control Condom machines are in every subway station!
41. Best dogs They were usually small and had long hair and accessories!
42. Cutest kids Both had some pretty cute kids, but the Italian kids were cute AND entertaining
43. Least Americans spotted Americans are generally embarrasing
44. My most used phrase I want to buy this Do you speak Engish?
45. Place I could return to over and over and OVER

Talking funny in Bali

The funniest things I heard during my recent trip to Bali, Indonesia:

Uluwatu, Bali

1. “They act like all us white people look alike.”  Frustrated Australian tourist to her friend in a huff about Balinese tour guides.

2. “You’re from America? Like Bob Marley!” A clearly confused waiter to me who laughed goodnaturedly when I explained that Bob was from Jamaica, a totally different country.

3. “Sweetie, come meet this lady, she talks funny.” Australian father yelled to his daughter after meeting me at the pool bar. Later, his wife says to me,“I’m glad you’re talking to my husband because I’m not. I’m mad at him. ” Weird2.

4. “Do you know Justin Bieber?” Pre-teen to me after finding out I was from New York.

5. “I love King Lebron! I LOVE this game!” Taxi driver to me about the NBA. Unfortunately, I devastated him by breaking the news of the Dallas sweep over the Lakers not knowing that the game played the night before hadn’t yet aired in Bali.

6. “You have brown skin, just like me.” Balinese woman said to me, in wide-eyed wonder after offering me a massage.

7. “Is your hair original?” Hotel clerk to me when complimenting my hair.

8. “And this is our cat shit coffee. We do wash it first.” Coffee plantation tour guide says to me after offering me luwak coffee.

9. “I don’t understand how to make you happy, Miss Tina. Do you want low price or good quality?” My driver to me after I first complained about the high prices at one silver jewelry store and then the low quality and lack of originality at the second, cheaper store.