You’re Really Only Black? Just Black?

Men from Egypt say I look like I could be from there. Dominican men claim I could hail from that isle. So do Trinidadians and Ethiopians and Haitians. I’ve even heard this line from an East Indian Man. The most ridiculous turn of that phrase though is from Pakastanis. How exactly do I look like I could be from Pakistan with these dreadlocks? However, I’ve never argued with the Pakistani at the corner store because I’d rather we stay on friendly terms. He knows all of my after 4 AM habits (a Kit Kat if I’ve had martinis or wine; Potato chips if I’ve had margaritas).

Since the statement is only ever said to me by men, it’s quite obvious that it’s an unfortunate pick-up line. The worse kind of flirting. And offensive. If you’re trying to compliment my beauty, why is it necessary to compare me to a different nationality? Did you completely miss the black is beautiful movement?

Whenever I’m in Texas, I hear people say “African American.” It’s common in the media as well. I never say that in New York. If you say “African American,” you’re bound to get disagreement. The person from Jamaica says, I’m Jamaican. The person from Uganda says I’m African. The Canadian says, I’m Canadian. And so on. It’s just a terribly inaccurate term.

This brings me to another related question — “Where are you from?” It sounds like a genealogical query to me, so when asked, I used to answer with a dissertation on where I was born and the various cities I’ve lived in. New Yorkers don’t ask that question to learn what city, state or country you’re from. Instead, they’re really asking where do you live? Which nabe.

It’s an oddity because clearly most people aren’t from where they live. It becomes a circular conversation and up next is, “Where are your people from?” Saying Gary, Indiana isn’t the answer they’re looking for. They want to know what country.

So then it begins. Are you just black? Really only black?

Uh, yes. And that’s enough!

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Bloomberg’s Ass, Nosy Neighbors and More Nonsense

I’m not sure if it’s because women are wearing less clothes and have great summer sunglows or because men have their guns out and want extra attention, but something about the summer really made the overcommentarians crawl out of the woodwork.

At least these comments are SO bad that they’re funny.

1. “Your ass is as big as Bloomberg’s”
A friend and I are strutting along in Chelsea when a passerby says, “Dayum, your ass is as big as Bloomberg’s!”

We look at each other in confusion — not only because we have no clue just how big a Bloomberg ass is, but because we BOTH have big asses and aren’t sure to which of us he’s speaking. I contend that since we’re in Chelsea on our way back from Park, the man had to be referring to my friend’s ass. My friend insists the man looked straight, plus, we were next to the projects, so clearly he was talking about thine ass.

I reluctantly agree that the man was probably referring to me. And I still have no idea how big Bloomberg’s ass is.

2. “And Tina just continued to party on!”
A pipe burst in my condo building one night (I’m on the condo board). Multiple people were handling the situation, including two other board members, the super AND the fire department.

Yet this wasn’t enough for my freakshow of a neighbor who requires so much attention that her husband deserves sainthood. Apparently, I, as Board president, was expected to be on the scene as well (will a nail file be helpful?)

She sends an email to the ENTIRE building complaining that I was “partying” while all this went down — and reported the time I returned from said party. OMG, she had to call the fire department herself! She could have died!

Forget Mrs. Roper or Mrs. Kravitz, those nosy neighbors have nothing on this bitch.

3. “Awww! you’re on your honeymoon!” 

My huzzband, apparently.

A street vendor shouted this to my friend and I in Cancun. When we say no, he says, “Just practicing then?”

Dude, you have absolutely no read on body language. We are not coupled up or touching and my companion has on pink “show pony” shorts.

 4. “Women are reading those 50 Shades of Grey books and fantasizing about it, but when faced with the real thing, they don’t know what to do.”

I assume you think you’re the real  thing. Is that why you posted a photo of yourself posed with your car? And another with your refrigerator? That alone should be enough to disqualify you, but you are also not hot, young or rich. You are no Christian Grey, my friend.

5. “Can I borrow your salt?”
I’m in SoHo having breakfast outside after a workout (I was a mess but thankfully in a Lululemon outfit). Guy walks by and we make the briefest eye contact. Moments later, he walks by again. Finally, the third time, he approaches and says “Can I borrow your salt?”

I oblige with a smile, trying not to laugh, wondering what he’d say next. He follows up with a huge sigh and, “That was so lame, I’m embarrassed.”

Dude, if you’re gonna go in, at least TRY to close.

6. “Do you like seamen?”
Fleet week. This one kicked off a night of the worse pick-up lines. Ever. I know they’ve been on a boat for months, but that should give them plenty of time to come up with ways to avoid lameness.

This ranks up there with the demand for me to “Smile.” Or calling me “Princess. Or asking “Can I have your number.” And just as bad as summoning me with a “Spp.” Ask any woman alive and guarantee she’s doesn’t want to hear it.