Bloomberg’s Ass, Nosy Neighbors and More Nonsense

I’m not sure if it’s because women are wearing less clothes and have great summer sunglows or because men have their guns out and want extra attention, but something about the summer really made the overcommentarians crawl out of the woodwork.

At least these comments are SO bad that they’re funny.

1. “Your ass is as big as Bloomberg’s”
A friend and I are strutting along in Chelsea when a passerby says, “Dayum, your ass is as big as Bloomberg’s!”

We look at each other in confusion — not only because we have no clue just how big a Bloomberg ass is, but because we BOTH have big asses and aren’t sure to which of us he’s speaking. I contend that since we’re in Chelsea on our way back from Park, the man had to be referring to my friend’s ass. My friend insists the man looked straight, plus, we were next to the projects, so clearly he was talking about thine ass.

I reluctantly agree that the man was probably referring to me. And I still have no idea how big Bloomberg’s ass is.

2. “And Tina just continued to party on!”
A pipe burst in my condo building one night (I’m on the condo board). Multiple people were handling the situation, including two other board members, the super AND the fire department.

Yet this wasn’t enough for my freakshow of a neighbor who requires so much attention that her husband deserves sainthood. Apparently, I, as Board president, was expected to be on the scene as well (will a nail file be helpful?)

She sends an email to the ENTIRE building complaining that I was “partying” while all this went down — and reported the time I returned from said party. OMG, she had to call the fire department herself! She could have died!

Forget Mrs. Roper or Mrs. Kravitz, those nosy neighbors have nothing on this bitch.

3. “Awww! you’re on your honeymoon!” 

My huzzband, apparently.

A street vendor shouted this to my friend and I in Cancun. When we say no, he says, “Just practicing then?”

Dude, you have absolutely no read on body language. We are not coupled up or touching and my companion has on pink “show pony” shorts.

 4. “Women are reading those 50 Shades of Grey books and fantasizing about it, but when faced with the real thing, they don’t know what to do.”

I assume you think you’re the real  thing. Is that why you posted a photo of yourself posed with your car? And another with your refrigerator? That alone should be enough to disqualify you, but you are also not hot, young or rich. You are no Christian Grey, my friend.

5. “Can I borrow your salt?”
I’m in SoHo having breakfast outside after a workout (I was a mess but thankfully in a Lululemon outfit). Guy walks by and we make the briefest eye contact. Moments later, he walks by again. Finally, the third time, he approaches and says “Can I borrow your salt?”

I oblige with a smile, trying not to laugh, wondering what he’d say next. He follows up with a huge sigh and, “That was so lame, I’m embarrassed.”

Dude, if you’re gonna go in, at least TRY to close.

6. “Do you like seamen?”
Fleet week. This one kicked off a night of the worse pick-up lines. Ever. I know they’ve been on a boat for months, but that should give them plenty of time to come up with ways to avoid lameness.

This ranks up there with the demand for me to “Smile.” Or calling me “Princess. Or asking “Can I have your number.” And just as bad as summoning me with a “Spp.” Ask any woman alive and guarantee she’s doesn’t want to hear it.

Advertisements

34MB of Data in a Day? Yep, Sounds About Right

I am finally and officially DONE with AT&T.

ATV in Cancun

Instead of enjoying this moment in Cancun, I was worried about what I was missing on my non-functioning phone (look at my face!).

I just came back from a trip to Mexico where I was absolutely obsessed with the fact that my phone didn’t work. I couldn’t make outbound calls or send text messages, but I still had access to data, which somewhat comforted me on the first day.

Then on my second day, at 6AM, AT&T sent a text stating I had an EXCESSIVE amount of data usage. Didn’t surprise me considering that data was my only way to communicate. Then, they sent a second message stating they were turning the data OFF.

My world faded to black. I was totally cutoff — unable to check-in, look at maps, use apps, send texts, post photos….WTF, how was THIS a vacation?!

I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t relax. I just wanted to be plugged in!

When I got back to New York, the data still didnt work (the shutdown was global, apparently). And, oh dear, AT&T was closed.

When I finally got in touch with them, the data usage that I got shut off for was a mere 34MB. Nothing compared to my normal usage (check the records!) — and it cost $30. A total bullshit cutoff. And after their rude, clueless and incompetent reps (I went through four of them) had the nerve to attempt to tell me how I should have been dialing internationally and I was forced to school THEM, they also had no explanation for why my cell didn’t work. The international team supervisor actually said “I don’t know.”

AT&T, you are not ready for me. You can’t handle me. It’s not me, it’s YOU. Hit me back when you have consistent coverage in Mexico, or for that matter, on Park Avenue, Second Avenue, the Williamsburg Bridge or at 19th and Broadway, or… oh nevermind, goodbye.