Sasquatch Reporting for Duty

I get an invitation to have hair removed at least twice a day. I’ve pieced together a few factors that lead to such invites: being female, living in a large market and signing up for one or more of the “deal” sites like Lifebooker, Living Social, Groupon and now even Time Out Offers and Scout Mob. Once you have these factors established, your email inbox will be regularly flooded with offers to pluck, preen, prune, wax, laser off and pray over every errant hair on your body.Laser Hair Removal Collage

One of the details I remember about Hunger Games is that they prepared  the tribs by waxing off all their hair. It sounded high maintenance and impractical, but upon further reflection, I realize, it’s not futuristic. We’re already there, folks. We’re living in the Capitol, except it’s not utopian and Nicki Ménage is the mayor.

I’m 100% on board with meticulous grooming, but the constant presence of these hair removal offers in my inbox is more grating than the squealing brakes of an F train arriving in the station. It could be that I’ve always received many hair removal offers, but now they are more noticeable because I feel concerned about reducing the frequency of my own appointments. When looking in the mirror applying my eyeliner in the morning, I can’t help but mentally calculate how long it’s been since I’ve gotten my eyebrows groomed. It’s been two weeks since I had my eyebrows shaped, they’re a mess, I think as I evaluate my face. Applying a little lip gloss,  I assure myself by saying that no one notices those stray hairs. How could they when there are new lines on my forehead for them to check out (Botox time?)  Then, the moment I view email on my iPhone, there it is: a hair removal offer.

This hair grooming trend isn’t unique to females. Men are doing a surprising amount of hair maintenance — even things like removing all the hair from their man bits. Unless they’re a porn star, that is weirdly extreme. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all on-board with manscaping. You gotta clean up the junk. Bottom line, it’s a requirement. But a complete Brazilian on a man? I find that to be an oddity. Especially when they leave hair on their back and or butt so that the front of their body looks like a plucked chicken and the back looks like a bath rug.

All of this hair removal action has to be helping our economy. If you calculate the cost of regular appointments — that would include a visit to get your eyebrows, bikini area and maybe even your legs, arms or some other spot defuzzed, that would add up to at least $200 a month per person. Jackpot!

I’m going to continue to ignore those offers for myself and reluctantly embrace my periodic Sasquatch status. But, no worries as a verse in Lil Wayne’s latest song well explains the lack of concern about such  furriness (followed by some indecipherably yet memorably yelled sounds). Yet, I’m going to do my part to stimulate the economy by sharing these deals with those in need of maintenance. That’ll be my contribution to helping avoid the fiscal cliff.