DC Style in One Word. I’m Stumped

I usually sum up cities in a one word description. The descriptions are always related to fashion or style, of course.

New York is black.

Milan is tight.

Paris. Magnifique.

Jersey (yes, all of it) is Ugg.

Long Island is juicy (as in juicy written across their butt).

Boston is khaki.

Philly is pleated.

Dallas is blond.

Chicago? Drab.

Miami is boobalicious.

Los Angeles. Barefoot.

I am stumped by DC! I spent some time there a few weekends ago and still could not come up with a description. I’ve been to the city countless times. Whether it’s taking a stroll through Georgetown, having dinner on a letter street or brunch in a hotspot, my beloved people-watching has still left me coming up empty.

There’s a lot of tourists as expected. And then that leaves everyone else. They are very well turned out. Yet I don’t notice a trend at all. Guess I’ll need to keep visiting to figure it out.

How would you describe DC in one word?

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Confessions of a LI & NJ Hater

This just in. For once, I’m going to give Long Island and New Jersey a break. That’s because I’ve been to one of them almost every week this summer. Now in defense of my regular trash talking about both places, these trips have all been to the BEACH!

I’ve taken the Long Island Railroad (LIRR) – which apparently isn’t a time machine like I’ve always suspected – to Long Beach and the ferry to New Jersey. And, I’d do it again if we could squeeze out one more hot day!

Here are some observations on my trips yonder:

  • LIRR is really not all that concerned about running on time.
  • I’m confused, what is it with those slips of paper the conductor slips near your seat after you give them your ticket? Couldn’t I just take that with me and re-use it? This conductor system doesn’t seem that efficient.
  • They charge LIRR passengers too much. Comparatively, the subway is a bargain. You can ride ride the subway for an hour and pay $2.25 (or less if you have a unlimited pass). Yet to ride 30 minutes on LIRR, it costs $8.50!
  • The ferry also cost a lot — $40 roundtrip. How do people afford this on a daily basis and why would they pay it to go to Jersey?
  • NJ is obsessed with Italian food and sandwiches.
  • People in LI love their space. If you put your towel or chair down within 50 feet of them, they will pitch a fit and then move.
  • It sucks to have kids tell you what to do. Those life lifeguards cordon off certain parts of the water so that they have less to supervise. I never pay attention to this. I CAN SWIM. So you know I was whistled in numerous times, right? Are we quite sure that those lifeguards are qualified to save lives? They have no muscle mass and are socializing the whole time, so I’m not convinced.

Although it was a fun summer romping on the beach, I’m concerned that the company I kept may have been a bad influence. I bought sweatpants recently. Oye ve! They have yet and hopefully will never be seen by any human. However, this might be photographic evidence that they exist. Or it could be Bigfoot. 

What’s next, I’ll like LA?

Bloomberg’s Ass, Nosy Neighbors and More Nonsense

I’m not sure if it’s because women are wearing less clothes and have great summer sunglows or because men have their guns out and want extra attention, but something about the summer really made the overcommentarians crawl out of the woodwork.

At least these comments are SO bad that they’re funny.

1. “Your ass is as big as Bloomberg’s”
A friend and I are strutting along in Chelsea when a passerby says, “Dayum, your ass is as big as Bloomberg’s!”

We look at each other in confusion — not only because we have no clue just how big a Bloomberg ass is, but because we BOTH have big asses and aren’t sure to which of us he’s speaking. I contend that since we’re in Chelsea on our way back from Park, the man had to be referring to my friend’s ass. My friend insists the man looked straight, plus, we were next to the projects, so clearly he was talking about thine ass.

I reluctantly agree that the man was probably referring to me. And I still have no idea how big Bloomberg’s ass is.

2. “And Tina just continued to party on!”
A pipe burst in my condo building one night (I’m on the condo board). Multiple people were handling the situation, including two other board members, the super AND the fire department.

Yet this wasn’t enough for my freakshow of a neighbor who requires so much attention that her husband deserves sainthood. Apparently, I, as Board president, was expected to be on the scene as well (will a nail file be helpful?)

She sends an email to the ENTIRE building complaining that I was “partying” while all this went down — and reported the time I returned from said party. OMG, she had to call the fire department herself! She could have died!

Forget Mrs. Roper or Mrs. Kravitz, those nosy neighbors have nothing on this bitch.

3. “Awww! you’re on your honeymoon!” 

My huzzband, apparently.

A street vendor shouted this to my friend and I in Cancun. When we say no, he says, “Just practicing then?”

Dude, you have absolutely no read on body language. We are not coupled up or touching and my companion has on pink “show pony” shorts.

 4. “Women are reading those 50 Shades of Grey books and fantasizing about it, but when faced with the real thing, they don’t know what to do.”

I assume you think you’re the real  thing. Is that why you posted a photo of yourself posed with your car? And another with your refrigerator? That alone should be enough to disqualify you, but you are also not hot, young or rich. You are no Christian Grey, my friend.

5. “Can I borrow your salt?”
I’m in SoHo having breakfast outside after a workout (I was a mess but thankfully in a Lululemon outfit). Guy walks by and we make the briefest eye contact. Moments later, he walks by again. Finally, the third time, he approaches and says “Can I borrow your salt?”

I oblige with a smile, trying not to laugh, wondering what he’d say next. He follows up with a huge sigh and, “That was so lame, I’m embarrassed.”

Dude, if you’re gonna go in, at least TRY to close.

6. “Do you like seamen?”
Fleet week. This one kicked off a night of the worse pick-up lines. Ever. I know they’ve been on a boat for months, but that should give them plenty of time to come up with ways to avoid lameness.

This ranks up there with the demand for me to “Smile.” Or calling me “Princess. Or asking “Can I have your number.” And just as bad as summoning me with a “Spp.” Ask any woman alive and guarantee she’s doesn’t want to hear it.

34MB of Data in a Day? Yep, Sounds About Right

I am finally and officially DONE with AT&T.

ATV in Cancun

Instead of enjoying this moment in Cancun, I was worried about what I was missing on my non-functioning phone (look at my face!).

I just came back from a trip to Mexico where I was absolutely obsessed with the fact that my phone didn’t work. I couldn’t make outbound calls or send text messages, but I still had access to data, which somewhat comforted me on the first day.

Then on my second day, at 6AM, AT&T sent a text stating I had an EXCESSIVE amount of data usage. Didn’t surprise me considering that data was my only way to communicate. Then, they sent a second message stating they were turning the data OFF.

My world faded to black. I was totally cutoff — unable to check-in, look at maps, use apps, send texts, post photos….WTF, how was THIS a vacation?!

I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t relax. I just wanted to be plugged in!

When I got back to New York, the data still didnt work (the shutdown was global, apparently). And, oh dear, AT&T was closed.

When I finally got in touch with them, the data usage that I got shut off for was a mere 34MB. Nothing compared to my normal usage (check the records!) — and it cost $30. A total bullshit cutoff. And after their rude, clueless and incompetent reps (I went through four of them) had the nerve to attempt to tell me how I should have been dialing internationally and I was forced to school THEM, they also had no explanation for why my cell didn’t work. The international team supervisor actually said “I don’t know.”

AT&T, you are not ready for me. You can’t handle me. It’s not me, it’s YOU. Hit me back when you have consistent coverage in Mexico, or for that matter, on Park Avenue, Second Avenue, the Williamsburg Bridge or at 19th and Broadway, or… oh nevermind, goodbye.

Your Balls Don’t Get Their Own Seat

ImageTaking public transportation is usually pretty great. You have time to read, no car traffic to fight. What’s more, it’s an efficient and cost-effective way to get around.

There’s just something about summer that stirs up my irritation at the things we straphangers have to put up with.

Men who take up two seats

Dude, your Metrocard doesn’t entitle you to a second seat to air out your balls. You don’t get to sit all wide-legged and then get mad when I ask to sit down.

Candy-selling kids

When does school start again? I’m so over these kids going through cars selling candy. Were they set loose by some opportunist dentist? Or maybe it was Dr. Z.

Short and funky

If you don’t wear deodorant, please don’t hold the handrail at the top. Instead, use the pole and avoid lifting your arm and fumigating the room. Short people who come to breast level and act like they want to lay their head right on your breasts also need to move out of the way.

Yes, you deserve a seat, but…

Disabled people who have a choice of available seats but pout or get angry because they prefer a certain seat.

Sick passengers

The “sick passengers” who cause constant delays on the L and F train. For years, I was convinced it was just models, artists or novelists who needed a sandwich. But the other day, the sick passenger was on the car I was in. Witnessing that she was an elderly woman, I felt bad about trivializing. But there has to be a better way to get sick people aide without, in this case, causing an L train stoppage for nearly an hour!

Rats

Obvi.

For some balance, here’a a list of things I love about the subway. 

  • Men — gentlemen — who stand or yield when a seat becomes free.
  • People on the “L” train on the way out or coming back from an evening. It’s like theater.
  • The Eastern Parkway-bound train on Labor Day. The party starts there!
  • Any train on a warmish Halloween. I’ll take shirtless hot guys any time.
  • Little kids going on field trips. They are just so freaking cute.
  • Morning commuters — they are generally silent, spend their time reading, and it’s fun to guess the kind of job people have by what they’re wearing.
  • Riding the train after a concert or ball game. Everybody on the train has just come from the same event and the energy is INSANE.
  • Air conditioned cars — you gotta admit the freezing train feels pretty good after being outside or standing on that hot platform.
  • Great ad campaigns. The ones that have us talking. Haven’t seen any of those in a while.
  • This tribute on the way home after MJ passed.
  • Being on for 30 minutes with chatter all around you and none of it is in English.

2012-2013 Bucket List

I’ve never really believed in creating a bucket list. One, because I’m not the type to put off things that I really want to do. Whenever people say things like “I’ll wait until the kids grow up… or until I retire” or a similar long timeframe, I totally admire their patience but also shudder inside.

The other reason I haven’t created a bucket list is that I couldn’t imagine determining what I wanted to do over the course of my lifetime.

Then, I happened upon Lesley Carter’s bucket list. Read about the lifestyle changes she’s made and you’ll understand why she’s my new idol! What a great example. She accomplished all of this in ONE year! Not only that, but she’s pregnant now, yet she still has a list of adventurous items she wants to do this year (and has made tons of progress!). I’ll definitely be watching to see what happens. It’s encouragement to us all.

So here we go! 2012 is way gone, so I’ve created one for 2012-2013. I’ve already done two of them, but unfortunately, I didn’t take photos! My goal is to have at least one photo for the rest along the way.

 My 2012-2013 Bucket list

1. Go skydiving

2. Take a surf or skateboarding lesson

3. Climb Michu Pichu

4. Visit a state in the U.S. that I haven’t visited before (That would be Oregon, Washington, Hawaii or Alaska)

5. Live in another country for a month

6. Move to Manhattan

7. Go to a fashion show during Fashion Week

8. See an amazing sunset

9. Join the board of a non-profit I believe in

10. Be a mentor to someone

11. Fall in love

12. Achieve my ideal weight

13. Be able to do 100 pushups

14. Master the Urdhva Dhanurasana yoga pose (Upward bow or wheel pose (aka backbend)

15. Try oysters

 What’s on your list?

Paris vs. Milan — The Report

Here’s the long delayed report on my April vacation to Paris and Milan. This time, instead of writing about what I did and saw, I decided to assess each city in a gamut of random, yet meaningful categories. Folks, you’ll never find observations like this in a travel book. Check out the winners!

OBSERVATION WINNER I’M JUST SAYIN’
PARIS MILAN
1. Most bonafide gingers None at all spotted in Paris
2. Most men you want to look at Tie – Parisian men win the fashion, but Italian men are really handsome. A hybrid would be perfect.
3. Most women you want to look at   Hands down, Frenchies win this. The Italian women are atractive too, but their attire negates that.
4. People spotted wearing fur even though it’s Spring A surprisingly tied category
5. Tightest clothes Damn, signoras!
6. Most plastic surgery Donatella would be so proud
7. Most blondes
10. Most people wearing all black
11. Best lingerie Paris (however, see below)
12. Most clothing designers who actually realize that women have breasts
13. Best shoes French, you don’t have to leave the US to know that
14. Best sunglasses Enormous and always on, even on a cloudy day
15. Weirdest eyebrows Tie – In Milan, they draw them in quite dramatically. In Paris, their eyebrows don’t match their hair. Quell horror!
16. Best makeup Can you say cat eye magnifique?
17. Best smelling… people
18. Best smelling…shops
19. Least rude I was done with the Italians within an hour. New Yorkers and Parisians don’t even rank as rude in comparison
20. Quickest switch to English when noticing my slow processing of information
21. Most romantic
22. Best cocktails Milan didn’t even bother with cocktails, usually only offering a wine list
23. Best tap water Always on the table in Paris. Milanese looked totally offended just by the request for non-bottled water.
24. Tastiest tomatoes
25. Best french fries Only Amsterdam is better
26. Best overall food I walked down the street eating bread in Paris and pretty much starved in Milan
27. Best sweets Neither. Both need to learn how to use SUGAR
28. Most addictive snacks Total tie. In Paris, it was crossaints. Milan, lemon gelato.
29. Best public transportation Paris was quick, clean, no complaints. Milan – confusing as fuck.
30. Best cars Milan, you fancy, huh?
31. Fastest drivers
32. Most honking They might be worse than NYC cab drivers
33. Where you’re most likely to get run over by a motorcycle They’ll jump a curve in a minute
34. Most places to easily trip and fall
35. Most iPhones Tie. It is seriously outta control. Apple rules the world.
36. Most Beats by Dre headphones Yes, those enormous ones
37. Best music In Paris, I felt like dancing everywhere. Milan had the sound of cymbals in their music– or opera, God forbid
38. Most Angry Bird fans
39. Most public drunkenness
40. Easiest access to birth control Condom machines are in every subway station!
41. Best dogs They were usually small and had long hair and accessories!
42. Cutest kids Both had some pretty cute kids, but the Italian kids were cute AND entertaining
43. Least Americans spotted Americans are generally embarrasing
44. My most used phrase I want to buy this Do you speak Engish?
45. Place I could return to over and over and OVER