How to Catch a Cougar

Cubbies, this is the advice you’ve been looking for on how to attract a cougar. It’s based on a focus group of women “of a certain age” who are exhausted by your juvenile, and sometimes precious, sometimes hilarious advances.

Things to not Do If You Want to Catch a Cougar

1. Don’t say any of the following:

  • “You look GREAT for your age.” So basically you’re saying to the woman, you’re old, but you just don’t look it.
  • “You’re only X years older than my last girlfriend.” OR, “You’re X years younger than my mom.” I shouldn’t have to mention why you shouldn’t say the first one. And, you should never ever compare a woman to your mom. And B, never ever compare a woman to your mom.
  • “I like older women.” No one wants to be considered or called an older woman.
  • “Wow! You’ve never had kids? None? Never?!”  Clearly, she’s not dead and she could still have kids. Obviously, you think grandmama can’t.
  • “Why are you single?” It’s bad enough when anyone says this, but so much worse when a young’un says it. It’s not a permanent condition.
  • “I love the old school jams.” I realize this may work on some women, so just choose carefully and make sure you choose a time period that actually aligns with her age! And a personal aside, I DON’T like old school music. And no, I don’t want to see Patti Labelle in concert. I cannot think of one song she sings — yells — that I like. Shes my mom’s generation. Plus, you’re talking to someone who’s paid to see Lil Wayne in concert. Wait, isn’t that where we met?

3. Don’t yell out of your car window to get our attention.
This works on the younger girls. They can prop themselves up by their elbows and lean right in your car window. The age limit on that is 25. Also, it’s not OK to act up when your yelled out advances are ignored. Calling us a bitch just reinforces we’ve made the right choice.

4. Don’t live at home with your parents.
This won’t even advance you past round one.

5. Don’t still be in school.
If you’ve already been working and are changing jobs or something or it’s your second, third, etc.,  degree, no problem. You’re still working on your first — or figuring out what you want to do with your life? You’re entirely too much trouble. Plus, it’s impossible not to feel like we’re robbing the cradle.

6. Don’t assume we’re desperate, or easy.

Sure, as women age, they get less attention. It’s a reality and only a big deal to some. It doesn’t equal unilateral desperation and you’re not singlehandedly  making up for that.

7. Don’t use super shorthand in texts.

If you actually get the phone number of your desired cougar, don’t  send a text with that hieroglyphics —initialisms or  text talk. We just can’t feel good about ourselves if we answer messages that say things like “Wht pt of BK r u from?”

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