This just in. For once, I’m going to give Long Island and New Jersey a break. That’s because I’ve been to one of them almost every week this summer. Now in defense of my regular trash talking about both places, these trips have all been to the BEACH!

I’ve taken the Long Island Railroad (LIRR) – which apparently isn’t a time machine like I’ve always suspected – to Long Beach and the ferry to New Jersey. And, I’d do it again if we could squeeze out one more hot day!

Here are some observations on my trips yonder:

• LIRR is really not all that concerned about running on time.
• I’m confused, what is it with those slips of paper the conductor slips near your seat after you give them your ticket? Couldn’t I just take that with me and re-use it? This conductor system doesn’t seem that efficient.
• They charge LIRR passengers too much. Comparatively, the subway is a bargain. You can ride ride the subway for an hour and pay $2.25 (or less if you have a unlimited pass). Yet to ride 30 minutes on LIRR, it costs $8.50!
• The ferry also cost a lot — $40 roundtrip. How do people afford this on a daily basis and why would they pay it to go to Jersey?
• NJ is obsessed with Italian food and sandwiches.
• People in LI love their space. If you put your towel or chair down within 50 feet of them, they will pitch a fit and then move.
• It sucks to have kids tell you what to do. Those life lifeguards cordon off certain parts of the water so that they have less to supervise. I never pay attention to this. I CAN SWIM. So you know I was whistled in numerous times, right? Are we quite sure that those lifeguards are qualified to save lives? They have no muscle mass and are socializing the whole time, so I’m not convinced.

Although it was a fun summer romping on the beach, I’m concerned that the company I kept may have been a bad influence. I bought sweatpants recently. Oye ve! They have yet and hopefully will never be seen by any human. However, this might be photographic evidence that they exist. Or it could be Bigfoot. 

What’s next, I’ll like LA?