Here’s the long delayed report on my April vacation to Paris and Milan. This time, instead of writing about what I did and saw, I decided to assess each city in a gamut of random, yet meaningful categories. Folks, you’ll never find observations like this in a travel book. Check out the winners!

OBSERVATION	WINNER		I’M JUST SAYIN’
	PARIS	MILAN
1. Most bonafide gingers			None at all spotted in Paris
2. Most men you want to look at			Tie – Parisian men win the fashion, but Italian men are really handsome. A hybrid would be perfect.
3. Most women you want to look at			Hands down, Frenchies win this. The Italian women are atractive too, but their attire negates that.
4. People spotted wearing fur even though it’s Spring			A surprisingly tied category
5. Tightest clothes			Damn, signoras!
6. Most plastic surgery			Donatella would be so proud
7. Most blondes
10. Most people wearing all black
11. Best lingerie			Paris (however, see below)
12. Most clothing designers who actually realize that women have breasts
13. Best shoes			French, you don’t have to leave the US to know that
14. Best sunglasses			Enormous and always on, even on a cloudy day
15. Weirdest eyebrows			Tie – In Milan, they draw them in quite dramatically. In Paris, their eyebrows don’t match their hair. Quell horror!
16. Best makeup			Can you say cat eye magnifique?
17. Best smelling… people
18. Best smelling…shops
19. Least rude			I was done with the Italians within an hour. New Yorkers and Parisians don’t even rank as rude in comparison
20. Quickest switch to English when noticing my slow processing of information
21. Most romantic
22. Best cocktails			Milan didn’t even bother with cocktails, usually only offering a wine list
23. Best tap water			Always on the table in Paris. Milanese looked totally offended just by the request for non-bottled water.
24. Tastiest tomatoes
25. Best french fries			Only Amsterdam is better
26. Best overall food			I walked down the street eating bread in Paris and pretty much starved in Milan
27. Best sweets			Neither. Both need to learn how to use SUGAR
28. Most addictive snacks			Total tie. In Paris, it was crossaints. Milan, lemon gelato.
29. Best public transportation			Paris was quick, clean, no complaints. Milan – confusing as fuck.
30. Best cars			Milan, you fancy, huh?
31. Fastest drivers
32. Most honking			They might be worse than NYC cab drivers
33. Where you’re most likely to get run over by a motorcycle			They’ll jump a curve in a minute
34. Most places to easily trip and fall
35. Most iPhones			Tie. It is seriously outta control. Apple rules the world.
36. Most Beats by Dre headphones			Yes, those enormous ones
37. Best music			In Paris, I felt like dancing everywhere. Milan had the sound of cymbals in their music– or opera, God forbid
38. Most Angry Bird fans
39. Most public drunkenness
40. Easiest access to birth control			Condom machines are in every subway station!
41. Best dogs			They were usually small and had long hair and accessories!
42. Cutest kids			Both had some pretty cute kids, but the Italian kids were cute AND entertaining
43. Least Americans spotted			Americans are generally embarrasing
44. My most used phrase	I want to buy this	Do you speak Engish?
45. Place I could return to over and over and OVER