Incredibly Clear Signs That He Is NOT the One

Me: [Showing him something on my iPad.]
Him: Did you really read all those books?


Me: You’re much younger than me.

Him: I’m comfortable with it as long as you are.
Me: We’ll see.
Him (later): So, do you live with your parents?


Him: What do you do?
Me: I have a corporate job and work in midtown.
Him: Oh, so you’re an administrative assistant?


Him: Do you live alone?
Me: No, I live with a dog.
Him: Is she well-behaved?
Me: No.


Him: Check, please.
Me: [Fork in air and still chewing entree.]


Him: I’m moving to Long Island next month
Me: Voluntarily?
Him: Yes, I’ll get more value for my money.
Me: Maybe, but you’ll be boring.
Him: [Blank stare]


Him: Which cell phone provider do you have?
Me (Pause trying to remember whether I gave him the real burner or the dating one): Verizon, why?
Him (excited): That’s great! We can talk for free.
Me: It’s 2012. You’re still counting minutes?
Him: See, here’s how it works. If I want to call you at like 3 pm, if we didn’t both have Verizon, I’d have to pay for it.


Him: All of a sudden, none of my credit cards are working for some reason. Could you pay for the drinks?
Me: [Hailing a cab]


Me: Where do you live?
Him: Upper Westside
Me (later): Which stop do you get on the subway?
Him: 135th Street


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